awareness, Creative Mind, Storyjacking

Everyone has a Story

Business man pointing to transparent board with text: Everyone Has a Story

Dan McAdams, Narrative Psychology pioneer, along with others, wrote and taught about the Personal Myth: that is, the meaning of one’s life can be more important than happiness. How we create personal meaning is, according to McAdams, by telling autobiographical stories. People have a Narrative Bias: When given the option, we prefer to give and receive information as a narrative, that is, as a story. Narratives are how we transmit meaning across two people, and then across cultures. How human beings deal with experiences is directly connected to how they construct their own stories and how the interpret the stories of others.

We like narratives that are linear and linearity (beginning, middle, end) it’s how we prefer to explain our world, cause and effect. Our stories often attempt to answer one (or more) of three big questions:

Where do we come from?
What is the purpose for why we are here?
Why am I going through this experience?

Narrative psychology tries to understand how the stories we tell ourselves, impact us. And, this is important because, as far as I know, we are the only species on this planet that asks these questions about our experiences.

The need for StoryJacking exists because how we answer these questions and how we tell our stories is important to how we experience our lives. StoryJacking is not about creating a quick happy ending to a life trauma. Laura King, PhD from the University of Missouri, discovered in her research that when people jump to quickly to the happy ending story, they may be happier in 2 years, but they miss important learning. People, who have survived and experienced major life challenges, can sometimes gloss over conflicts or the challenging bits of the experience. Again, over the period of 2 years, they may be happier, but there is a lost opportunity of ego development. A person’s ability to experience the grief or unhappiness, improves the person’s ability to conversely appreciate the beauty and complexities of life. The ability to sit in the discomfort of the story can gain the individual deeper wisdom. StoryJacking is about creating neural networks for developing meaning, wisdom, and ultimately happiness.

Yet, we all have some flaws in our authorship.

Common Belief Fallacy: If most of the people you know believe something is true, you are also likely to believe it is true. The earth is flat and the center of the universe. Florida has cities of gold and the fountain of youth. Global warming is not a product of human activity. You get the idea.

  • Appeal to Popular Opinion – This type of appeal is when someone claims that an idea or belief is true simply because it is what most people believe.

Representativeness Heuristic: ignoring the odds and instead comparing the similarity of the story to a familiar archetype. “That sounds right!” Buy a lottery ticket, look at all the stories of winners. Never mind that the odds are 176 million to 1 that you will win.

Correlation Implies Causation Fallacy – Otherwise known as Cum Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc, this is a fallacy in which the person making the argument connects two events which happen sequentially and assumes that one caused the other.  I heard a dog barking, then my dishwasher broke.  Therefore, barking dogs are bad for appliances.

So our storytelling is fraught with potential plot holes and rarely matches the reality of the situation. So what? We are all susceptible. Here’s the thing, by paying attention to where stories can go wrong, by developing our awareness we can StoryJack the story, we can make our lives more meaningful and again, have a much better shot at happiness.

People create meaning from the stories that they tell themselves about the events in our lives. And, this meaning can actually create a better life, depending on how you go about creating the stories that explain the events. But, businesses have to do the same thing.

Let’s play with an Business example.

Cable has lost over 125 thousand customers in the last year and that is with HBO bundled in the service. There are a myriad of reasons for this, poor customer service, forcing subscribers to take bundles that they maybe don’t want, etc. Interestingly, rather than change the delivery model, they are actually hiking prices.  Which will probably have the affect of losing even more business.  So then take a company like HBO, HBO is losing viewers by remaining tied to cables faltering delivery system. I think it is fair to say that HBO has wanted to shift its delivery system for a long time, but it meant changing a very long held belief about the importance of cable companies. Regardless of value, the faulty delivery system (cable) has been a very long held story and as much as we have disliked it, we have also believed that it might not ever change… collectively we used to believe we might always be held hostage to cable services. But, HBO decided to StoryJack this long held story. HBO comes to Apple TV, as announced by HBO CEO Richard Plepler on Monday March 9th. The story has now shifted and become one of listening to viewer/customers, becoming a story of partnership, creating customer choice, and with a connection to Apple, developed a subplot of coolness.

But, by breaking loose (StoryJacking their own story of content delivery) and offering themselves up “a’la carte” to the growing number of cord cutters, they remain meaningful.

They also show that they may be dragon slayers themselves. And, the beneficiaries of the new story are? Well, HBO customers now get an opportunity to watch Game of Thrones for about $15.00 a month, far less than the $100 a month it would take to a cable package, and they can stop sneaking in to Aunt Louise’s cat infested house to get a Sunday dragon fix.

image from Bigstockphoto.com, artist Gustavo Frazao

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Storyjacking, tools

Where the Heck is my Magic 8 Ball?

Magic Ball Outlook Not So Good

As I am navigating my life, in the great unknowing, it occurs to me that knowing the future seems to be a wish that most people have.  We want someone or something else to “tell” us what we should do, or what will happen. If we do A… then XYZ will be the outcome. If we marry this person, we will be happy. Or, if we take that opportunity then we will be wildly successful.  We want guarantees that follow a, “if… then…” and the irony of life is that until you dive in, you will never know how warm the water is.  Life requires us to take leaps of faith. We can gather up all our skills, we can collect all our supporters, and we can spend a lot of time collecting tools to make sure we have the very best chance of winning the day. But, at the end of it, when the time comes to make a choice, you are going to have to walk through the unknown. There are no magic wands or magic 8 balls to steer us through the void. And, this is where your personal story can help you, how you decide what you are worth, how you believe that your message is powerful, and what you decide to share about yourself, will ultimately determine how you handle these leaps.

Leaps of faith are at the center of our brilliance, they generate the energy of creativity and they push us into being strong and having fortitude.

“All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without benefit of experience.” Henry Miller

A leap of faith is required if we are going to move, change our life, change our career, or do anything of real importance and meaning to us and the world. There is no action that you might take that doesn’t require this leap. You can fight it, wish you knew the future, pretending that you have everything under control, or you can leap luxuriously into your life, no Magic 8 Ball needed.

Be brave and let’s get to the other side!
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awareness, Storyjacking

Becoming Yourself

Five girls in changing rooms

An interesting thing happened on the way to my new life…

I had moved from New Mexico to Washington State and I had the opportunity to reinvent myself.  I took the opportunity with both hands and I began the transformation from Therapist to Coach.  As it often happens with any change, it hasn’t been exactly comfortable.  As I shifted gears, (visualize a big boat turning… slowly) I found that I didn’t exactly know how to even think of myself in different ways.  I was comfortable in my old story of myself and the reinvention forced me to think, a lot, about how to describe myself, what I do, who I work with, or even what exactly I was passionate about.  I didn’t want to seem wishy washy, but I was going through various ideas of myself and descriptions, like trying on outfits at the mall. I am a Therapist, I am a Coach, I am a Life Coach, I am a Business Coach, I am a Leadership Coach… I was trying on niche labels like trying on jeans.  Some looked ok, but didn’t feel right; others just didn’t fit at all.

I have a very good friend who is a Business Coach and I admire her.  I thought to myself I have had a business since 2004, I understand business systems, I have done a lot of marketing, and I have a lot of training that supports businesses. I have designed team building trainings. Yet, I wasn’t really resonating with the idea of calling myself a Business Coach. Calling myself a Therapist seemed easier when I began my private practice 11 years ago because people seem to know what “Therapist” means. There is a issue with Coaching in that everyone on earth seems to want to be a Coach, trainied or not.  So, I was told I have to differentiate myself from the Coaching masses and in ways that as a Therapist I didn’t feel that I had to.  So, what does the label/niche really mean?  What are the words that resonate and empower you to communicate clearly who you are and what you do?  And, how does one traverse the journey of personal discovery that you have to navigate as you go?

The point of sharing my identity crisis…

A friend asked me why I felt the need to call myself a Business Coach instead of a Life Coach or some other type of coach?  I responded, “Because I thought it sounded better…”. We both started laughing.  I am person who works with people to find their authentic voice and there I was doing just the opposite.  The huge take away for me was that it is easy to get sidetracked when you are discovering yourself.  Our brains want to be in some sort of comfort zone, and at times we might be willing to slap a label, any label, on ourselves just to be done.  Yet, it also feels uncomfortable when we slap on a label that doesn’t fit and we are not being authentic.  Internally, I was dealing with the anxiety that comes from feeling lost, like I had an no authentic message and desperately wanting the internal churn to stop.  The hardest thing I had to do was I had to sit in this place of discomfort and breathe into the experience.  I needed to allow my mind to wrangle with these ideas and not throw an instant “fix” just to superficially stop the discomfort.  And I discovered along the way just how wrong it felt to be heading down some path that didn’t feel right, because I had no words to authentically express the right path.Be yourself 2

Aha Moment!

Words clearly matter and they are very literally attached to the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. This is true for all of us. When we aren’t being authentic, if feels wrong inside. Oscar Wilde once said, “Be yourself, everyone else is taken.” So how do you just “be yourself”?

Six quick thoughts:
  1. The journey of authenticity requires you try on different ideas of yourself like clothes, but it also requires you to feel if the outfit actually fits for you. Be willing to try again and again until you start to feel what resonates. The focus is on becoming “You,” not trying to become someone else.  And, it’s certainly not about slapping on some label that is doesn’t resonate.
  2. Discovering your true self is scary and often messy.  You may think something feels right, then as you wear it for awhile, you may find out, you need to tweak your direction.  This is all part of the discovery process.
  3. There are two types of discomfort to be aware of.
    • You have to listen to the discomfort you feel when you are going off course by not being true to yourself and trying to be someone you’re not comfortable being.
    • You have to breathe through the discomfort and worry, that maybe you’re not good enough the way you are, that you’re not smart enough, or that no one will like you.  This will probably take more than one breath.
  4. The more you focus on developing yourself, listening to you body, playing with what you love to do, and exploring how you want to show up in the world, the more clarity you will develop.
  5. The more you share your truth, the quicker you will discover your tribe of people.  That tribe includes people you have never met, but when you do, and you share your authentic self, they will resonate with you and appreciate your unique message. This includes finding a job or career that you resonate with, choosing friends, and most importantly, finding intimate partners.
  6. Not everyone is a part of your tribe.  If some people you meet don’t get you or like you… well, that’s ok. I spent many years in my 20’s trying to make people like me, it meant I was like a chameleon, constantly changing my color depending on who I was with.  It was exhausting.  Truthfully, it’s a big world and your job is to just focus on being you. The right people, the ones who will “get you,” will show up.

Transformation Isn't Easy

 

Ira Glass, from This American Life, says it very well, “Everything is more compelling, the more that you are yourself.”

 

complementary session

 

 

 

 

images from BigStockPhoto.com: Transformation Cartoon cartoon resource and Five Girls Image conrado

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awareness, Storyjacking

StoryJacking

Open book, close-up

Storyjacking™ is a technique that can be used in several ways, but at its core it is the recognition that stories are important.  We hear stories of success and stories of failure. We tell ourselves stories about ourselves and about others; some stories are painful, while other stories lift our spirits.  In each story we are playing out different parts and depending on the part we are playing, it makes all the difference in how we move forward in our lives.

Stories are epically important to how we view and interact in the world around us.  We define ourselves, our abilities and even our goals by the stories we believe and share.  These stories become part of our personal view of our world.  Organizations also create goals, missions, visions and values, and those become intertwined with the story they tell and believe.  Stories attract us to our friends, our lovers, our community of people and clients.  Stories fill out our memories and impact our feelings and adjust how we think about everything.  Every now and again when we notice something isn’t working or isn’t feeling right, we need to notice the story that we have assigned to the situation.  If our story isn’t serving us, negatively impacts our families, our communities, or our organizations, we might just have to find a way to “StoryJack” the story, transforming it, and creating a new story that we resonate with so that we can “Jack Into” a better version or experience the story – and our life – in a new way.

How StoryJacking works –

1: We “StoryJack” a story when we change it.  Maybe there is a story we’ve heard or a story we tell ourselves and we want to rewrite the story, changing the message into something that works better for us.  Maybe we have a story about not being good enough, or smart enough; these would be good stories to StoryJack.  It can happen with a story we’ve been told, like a fairytale, where we change the story into something more meaningful, maybe the princess kicks butt and saves the prince for a change.  Really, we StoryJack all the time.  Anytime you create a vision of a future that is different than the moment you find yourself in, you are working on StoryJacking.  The people who successfully StoryJack their lives go to the next step in the process of Jacking Into the story.

Retro typewriter2: We can “Jack Into” a story that resonates with us.  We feel the connection to our new story and “Jack,” that emotion into our own story.  We have all had that experience when we hear something that creates a powerful and positive emotion or excites us.  We want to see and feel ourselves in the story. We have a resonance that occurs and it deepens our understanding of ourselves or the world around us.  It’s in these moments that the story and you connect. “Jacking Into” a new story can be exciting and even scary.  It may be moving from the story of being a student to becoming a fully fledged adult.  Maybe it’s shifting from being an employee to becoming an entrepreneur.  In business, it may be shaking up the story of the dysfunctional team and creating the new story of the Team that Rocks It! In intimate relationships, it might be the move from being “unloveable” to seeing ourselves as “loveable.” These story shifts are epic.  To do this well, we have to really create a story that matters to us. These shifts can be so big that it is important to create a rich and full bodied story, to create an excitement that propels you into your next story.  We won’t commit to stories that feel lukewarm to us. No one wants the cold oatmeal story! We want the exciting, passionate, and empowering story.  We may want our story to be a force for good, even a force for change.  We may want to share our gifts with our families, with our communities, with the world.  But, no change happens without a strong desire and StoryJacking is about how we create and manage the desire to change we want to have.

StoryJacking is rewriting the stories that aren’t serving us and creating a more powerful connection to the stories that do serve us. Then we can “Jack Into” them. Then the power of our new narrative can be felt – and shared.

I will be writing more about the process in the coming weeks. It all begins with once upon a time…

 

images from BigStockPhoto.com: retro typewriter Vagengeym and open book Remains

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