A hand moves…

Singing Image of Fire 

A hand moves, and the fire’s whirling takes different shapes.
All things change when we do.
The first word, “Ah,” blossoms into all others.
Each of them is true.    –Kukai

I recently heard/read this poem and it resonated with me.

We change ourselves when we change our relationship with our story.  Our minds developed into a neural network of stories, as we humans started telling stories around a fire.  Fires are magical and can set us into deep reflection, warm us, or burn through us like a 1000 suns.

I know for myself that I can sit mesmerized by flames, allowing me to step out of my own swirl and just be present in the moment.  And, when I get curious about my own experience with the same level of focus, I can reflect on what stories I am telling myself and choose stories that have more value, and help to guide me to where I want to move toward.

It is through conscious awareness and at the same time surrendering to the process that we have infinite potential to grow and change.  When we bring into alignment, our internal self and our external self, we can shift into the life we want to create.

Hedonistic StoryJacking – From TED to you!

The Architect Bjarke Ingels is something of a wunderkind.  Mixing his passion for sustainability with his passion for architecture and beauty.  I saw this TEDTalk several years ago, but a recent conversation brought it to mind again.

I am sharing this video for several reasons.  First and foremost it is freaking cool!  Seriously, you need to watch it and be inspired.  But secondly and also uber important, his thinking is so far outside the box that the world has created that it blows your mind when you start thinking about what it takes to think in such innovative ways.  You have to give up what is known and be willing to dive into possibility.  You have to be curious about doing things in new ways, you have to be willing to ignore the nay sayers (to include you own internal negative dialog) because you are so solid in your own truth that you just blow by those voices, and you have to be courageous as you work the journey.

What would you want or be driven to be curious about?

What if we all started thinking outside the boxes of our own lives?

What would you be willing to look at and give up in order to reach your potential as a person, and share your gifts with the world?

This video gives me hope.  As human beings on this planet we can, if we decide to, undo the messes we are making.  We can stand up and demand that our Governments become innovative, we can demand the same from industry, and we can decide to make changes that support life.  The video also shows how a country, like Sweden, can think outside the box and change how it does business.  Right now Sweden needs trash, yep, you heard that right.  They are importing trash, because they now can’t make enough of their own to power their power plant, which now heats over 900,000 homes and provides electricity to over 250,000 other homes. (facts from Avfall Sverige) It blows my mind.  What a terrific StoryJack, from waste to energy.

I don’t spend time cultivating my phobias.  On the contrary, I explore them for missed opportunities.  Bjarke Ingels

My most important take away is that if Sweden can do this on such an epic scale, what is stopping you and I from transforming and StoryJacking our own lives?

What idea or situation have you been sitting with and allowing to molder, instead of acting on?
What negative self talk or discomfort do you need to explore for opportunities?
Do you think, that maybe, it’s time for a personal revolution? Hedonistic StoryJacking!

Looking at our emotions can provide a roadmap

A further sign of health is that we don’t become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it’s time to stop struggling and look directly at what’s threatening us.  Pena Chodron.

Using emotions, especially powerful emotions like fear, shame, anger, as road signs, can help us look inside and understand ourselves better.  Think about road signs, which one is the bad one?

Road signs just tell you something, like slow down, cross walk, no right on red, photo enforced light ahead, etc.

Emotions can be used in a similar way.  When we feel a powerful emotion, it can be from our internal story about what we think is happening and how our sense of ourself is in danger on some level.  Sometimes we are in danger, but often, it’s our perception of ourselves, or our concerns about how others are seeing us, or our ego wanting to be right, or our internal dialog, that is the real danger.

So, what are your emotions trying to tell you?

Being able to look at what is underneath why we are feeling what we are feeling and getting really curious about the emotion and ourselves is a way into deeper understanding.  This curiosity can lead to awareness around the story we are creating and will help us think of ways to jack/transform the story into something that makes us stronger.

Becoming Unpredictable

When we allow ourselves to become unpredictable
we open ourselves to new possibilities.  Lyssa

This quote comes from the idea that if we continue to do things the same way we always have we will continue to get the same results.  It is the law of Inertia. And, it’s great if we are happy with where our lives are going, how our relationships are manifesting, and if we are madly embracing the joy of the journey.  But, if we aren’t so happy with how our life is moving along, and we continue to do the same things, in the same way, nothing will change, we won’t grow, we may be comfortable, but we rarely get something wildly interesting or radically new happening in our lives.

Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to any change in its state of motion including changes to its speed and direction or the state of rest. It is the tendency of objects to keep moving in a straight line at constant velocity.  Wikipedia

• What is going on in your life, that you want to have a different result in?
• What is it going to take to jump the track and steer your story onto a new path?
• What is the story that is holding you back?
• What does the story of change sound like?
• What are you going to have to be willing to let go of, to make that change happen?

In this case, being unpredictable isn’t an external process, it’s an internal process.  It’s StoryJacking, exploring the unpredictability of shaking up our concepts about what we think we are supposed to be, what others think we should be, and instead developing a vision about what we truly and authentically want to become.

 

 

StoryJacking Difficult Conversations – True Kind Necessary

True, Kind, Necessary: How to have difficult conversations and develop better relationships

Imagine a stool, three legs that hold up the seat. Without one of the legs, the stool becomes unstable.

When thinking about True, Kind Necessary in respect to conversations, it’s important to remember to use these ideas together in order to have the best outcome. In happy and agreeing conversations we don’t even have to think about these qualities, because we are having fun and we are not threatening someone else’s view point or sense of themselves. Intent and Impact are very important, especially in difficult conversations or situations. Often times we bring our judgment, ego and opinions into the arena and while we may have a positive intent, we can end up having a negative impact.

True – Obviously we want to be honest in our handling of information and give honest reflection to people. It also helps to truthfully communicate our own feeling and experience, without telling others how they feel, what there intent was, or judging their behavior as the issue. Ask yourself some questions: What is the story I am telling myself about this situation? Am I making any assumptions? Do I have enough information or are there other questions I need to get info on? Am I exaggerating or escalating the truth?

We can rapidly set people up to feel attacked and when that happens, they either tunes us out or we engage them in an argument.  Also, if I am telling you a truth, from my perspective, and I am unkind in my delivery, or it’s really not my place to share my truth, I run a very real risk of landing poorly on you and feeding a fight.  I may be generating a drama story that won’t do me or anyone any good.

Kind – This is the level of how we approach a conversation with compassion and gentleness. We might be sharing our truth without thought to other people’s feelings. In conversations that we have with others we can inadvertently hurt peoples feelings, Intent/Impact. This is especially true in the texting, typing, IM’ing medium. People can’t read our non-verbal body language, we may not even know each other, and so we end responding to things based on how we feel the message is coming at us. If it’s a difficult situation, people may already be defensive. Kindness is about intention. We can decide if our intention is to be helpful or hurtful. If it’s to be helpful and our message still lands poorly, apologizing for the unintended outcome is kindness too.

Necessary – It may take a few questions to yourself to figure out this one:  Why are we vested in sharing our perspective? What’s our goal for the conversation?  Have we been asked for feedback? Or, are we trying to ‘teach’ someone something we think we need to know? Is what we’re about to say, for the greater good of the person we are speaking/writing to?  I also like to ask myself, “Is what I am about to say, think or do, going to take me closer to my goal or farther away?”

There are definitely times that we do need to speak up, maybe we see a way to help someone be more efficient or correct something. Or, we may be setting a healthy boundary on how others speak to us, or what we are willing or not willing to do for someone. The more necessary the conversation is, typically the more painful it runs the risk of being. Which is why adding the elements of True and Kind can help the conversation go better for all parties.

In communication there is another area to consider. Let’s call this the fourth leg of the stool, increasing stability.

Timing – Are you calling someone out in public or private? Are you giving them time to respond or pushing for an instant response? Can you have a face-to-face conversation, even if we are talking Skype versus an email argument or texting war?

Think about our own timing; are we hungry, tired, overwhelmed, or not feeling well? All these factors will effect how we bring ourselves to any difficult conversation.

Giving ourselves time to cool down before responding is helpful too. If I get fired up about something, my brain floods with Adrenaline and Cortisol and increases my reactivity, while decreasing my ability to think through a situation.  Have you ever had an intense conversation and then later think of all the things you wished you had said instead? If I give myself an hour or a day before responding, I have time to engage my thinking brain again and I may come up with a much better response.

We can all get HiJacked by our brain.

Even using these tools will not guarantee a 100% positive outcome in every situation. But, your odds of a better conversation are greatly increased.

 

 

 

 

StoryJacking Relationships

In thinking about my own StoryJacking, it’s come to me that I have had dozens if not hundreds of StoryJacks in my life.

In an effort not to overwhelm, I think what I am going to do is just start with one at a time.

As things come up I will add a personal StoryJack to the podcast series, that seems important or relevant to whatever is going on, or that I am trying to explore.  You can listen to an expanded version of this blog on my podcast, “How StoryJacking Helped me Love.”

One insight that I have had is that the more that we look at our lives as transformative StoryJacks, the more likely we are to learn from the experiences versus being dragged down by them.

I have an ordinary story in some very universal ways. My parents divorced when I was 9, and while their marriage wasn’t great, the fighting was disturbing emotionally, the divorce more importantly disrupted my sense of security. This might be a terrible thing for some people, but for me it was my first wake up call.

Then life added the loss of my favorite grandfather, and a sister/friend who died from cancer when she was 19 and I was 12, all adding to my journey. I don’t know if it is about my personality, or my need to feel some sort of control, instead of seeing these losses as tragedy alone, I also began to see that death had a very real presence in life and that I didn’t want to take people or life for granted. These early StoryJacks set me up to continue the process through each adventure and tragedy that has rolled through my life.

The StoryJack that I want to share today is about finding love and growing relationships.

Through my journey of questioning I realized that I had no clue what a healthy relationship might even look like, I wasn’t paying attention to good relationships, I was only looking at the dysfunctional ones that were everything I didn’t want. So, I shifted focus, I looked to my grandparents who had a 50+ year relationship and were in love until the day each of them passed on;

What had worked for them?

• They valued their relationship more than they valued being right.
• They maintained their friendship their entire relationship, they never forgot they liked each other.
• They laughed and shared a sense of humor, sure they groused at each other, but they found ways to turn that into laughter.
• They shared some really important values about life, and they talked about those values, they discussed what the value meant to them, what the value looked like, how they felt when they were demonstrating the value, and they knew that they were in agreement, not just about a word, but about the meaning of the word.
  • And this is crucial if I say I have a value of “honesty,” and you say, I do too! and we go on and only find out later that my value of honesty and your value of honesty were a 100 miles apart. On the surface of the planet a 100 miles isn’t much, but in the intimacy of a close relationship it might as well be the moon, we are worlds apart.
• The areas that each struggled with shyness, or being bossy, the other one either accepted or helped to balance out. They complimented each other in their personalities and human frailties. These were not personality quirks were deal breakers for them; in fact they had no deal breakers in their relationship at all.
• They both really wanted to be in a relationship with each other.  My grandparents were ‘all in’ versus one foot out the door. A lot can be muddled through if both people are invested in the relationship working. We tend to be kinder in our approach if we care about the other person and want to keep them around.
• They both took responsibility with each other and worked really hard not to hurt each other’s feelings. When it happened, they apologized and took ownership, and tried not to press the repeat button too often.
• And, when I asked my mother about my grandparents relationship, she said they didn’t hold grudges with each other, there were no resentments and no hidden agendas. They were fully and honestly present with each other.

The more I thought about what relationships could look like, the more I was willing to risk to grow into the person that could bring these qualities to a relationship of my own. I wasn’t going to settle, I was going to soar. I also decided that I wanted to find a partner, not a savior or a project. That was huge for me, because I had to give up these ideas of Prince Charming or Prince Project.

There was no one coming to take me away from the tough things happening in my life. If I was going to get out of debt, or finish school, or find love, or create a meaningful life for myself, I was going to have to quit waiting around for it to find me and go out and create it.

I also had to give up on the idea that if only ‘someone’ would see my value and my worth, and chose me, I could help him have an amazing life. I realized I needed to save myself, and work to find an equal. If this resonates for you at all, I wrote an article on my blog called, “Sleeping Beauty Must Die! Why you need to kill her to grow up.” I talk a lot more in depth about this issue.

I made another pivotal StoryJack as I dated, 180 dates over two years, where I went from worrying “do you liked me?” to assessing if I liked you. This was huge! It meant, I not only had to stop wrapping myself up in the idea that someone could define my value for me, I had to stop twisting myself into a pretzel to make myself into someone I wasn’t in order for someone I wasn’t even sure I liked to love me. Simply put, I had to learn to love myself.

All of what I was learning meant I would have to be honest about who I am, learn to love myself, get comfortable just being myself, and trust that I was enough.  If I worked at being someone I would like, then the people who like people like me, would find me.  And maybe I would meet the one who was strong enough to handle a real relationship himself. Mr. Lucky 181.

Through this journey of revising and transforming my ideas about myself, what I was capable of, what love authentically looked like for me, and what a real ‘all in’ relationship required, I did meet someone who fell in love with the “me” I had become along the way.

For the past 17 years, he has shown up and loved me and I have shown up and loved him back. When we are being silly, or annoying, insightful, my bossiness, his being wrong, (being silly here) and we have discussed and agreed, and agreed to disagree, on our share of important ideas and values.  We have learned to understand each other and agree that we know what we mean when we discuss these values, and we have learned to laugh at ourselves and at each other… but that will have to wait because that is another story, my friends.

Quick link to the expanded podcast version of this blog.

 

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images from http://www.bigstockphoto.com

 

Are you a StoryJacker?

What the heck is StoryJacking?  This is a question that I have been fielding a lot recently.  Part of the reason is that I invented the StoryJack mashup, so this is a new concept.  If you don’t know what it is, you are not alone.

We all live in stories: the ones we tell ourselves, the ones others tell us, the ones we believe, the stories that scare us, and the ones that we use to drive ourselves forward.  Stories are our narrative, describing life as we see and feel it.  Every bit of information that we take into our mind comes to us in the form of a story, the news, movies, reality tv, books, gossip, education.  And, if you think about the things that capture your attention, it’s probably a juicy story.

Narrative psychology is a viewpoint or a stance within psychology concerned with the “storied nature of human conduct” or in other words, how human beings deal with experience by constructing stories and listening to the stories of others. (Wikipedia)

As you’re looking, you will see stories everywhere.  Our lives are so intertwined with stories that we are often unconscious to the mystery and magic that are embodied in the stories that we connect with, and how those stories impact us.

As children we play in the fields of make believe, enjoying the stories we create from the mist of our imaginations.

Today, science is showing us that our memories, the very things that generate our life stories, are mostly made up.  Yet, we are constantly creating narratives to explain ourselves, or situations, and these stories are filled with tragedy as well as triumph.  Stories can capture us within powerful emotions.  There is always a story that we are telling ourselves in every situation.  Whether we feel empowered or disempowered, there is a story we are telling.  These powerful stories engage us and form a glue that binds us to people, places, ideas, and ultimately to our sense of self.

Stories help us to describe and align with our tribe; the people we will love, the people who will challenge us, the work we are passionate about, the lives that we will create, what we could never do, what we must absolutely do, and each intention is a story.

It can feel overwhelming, but we have the unlimited ability to change stories that don’t work for us, and as they change, they have the power to transform how we interact with the world around us.

StoryJack / stohree jak / verb

Definition:
Story a narrative, either true or fictitious, designed to instruct the hearer or reader; a narration of the events in the life of a person or the existence of a thing, or such events as a subject for narration: example the story of his life or the story we tell ourselves about what we are capable of, in Business it might be the story of our organization or how our team is functioning.

Jack to increase, develop, raise, or accelerate. (Typically followed by something: in this case, awareness, understanding, or insights) To boost the morale of; encourage.

Related terms: StoryJacking, StoryJacked, StoryJacks

Noun: StoryJacker ex. I am a StoryJacker, helping people recognize the stories that will transform their lives, careers, teams, and businesses.

So, what’s your story?  Are you a StoryJacker too?

I am developing a podcast series, StoryJacker, if you think you have an interesting and transformational story, I would be very interested in connecting and having a conversation about having you on the show.  Thank you for reading. 

photo: from bigstockphoto.com

What my electric car taught me about creating limits

As often happens, I was having a lively conversation with my friend Julie. We were talking about my driving over to see her house… which led perfectly into a conversation about my car.

I’m a traveler, I’ve driven all over the country just for fun. Then, last year I decided to go ‘all electric’ and purchased a Nissan Leaf. I had many important reasons in my head about why I wanted to do this; I was trying to support a new direction in the automotive industry, I wanted the pleasure of driving by gas stations, and I had thoughts about my Carbon Footprint. This decision, as most things in life, I probably hadn’t thought all the way through.

In hindsight it appears to me that my conscious brain chose a situation and my unconscious brain saw it as an opportunity to push me… Or, maybe I made a hasty decision.

My car gets about 90 miles to a charge. And, for 80% of my driving, that is actually just fine. I live on an island, that’s 10 miles long and 5 miles wide, so really it’s more like 95% of the time my car is perfect for my situation. Which to be fair, is really great.   It’s actually better than my last 3 cars.

The issue I hadn’t thought about was distance travel.  What will I do if I want to drive from Bainbridge Island to Portland or the Coast or Vancouver Canada? If I want to do that, I am going to have to stop a few times along the way and charge up. Depending on where I stop, it might take 2 – 6 hours. This is a bit of a hiccup from my perspective and it’s forced me to take the train a few times. Which is really nice and a good thing in it’s own way.  Because of my dependence on electrical charging stations for my car and the time requirements, I have to admit I’ve been a little leery of about leaving the island and I’ve created a very limiting story about actually going far off island in my car.

This hasn’t severely limited me in my normal driving, but it has impacted my willingness to jump in my car and drive off without a thought. I felt tethered.

Getting back to my conversation. As I was talking with Julie, we decided that I would drive to her house, on the far northeast of Seattle. This may not be a good commentary on me, but there was a part of me that felt a twinge of concern, my tether was pulling on my psyche. In my mind I was telling a story about how this will be about the farthest I have ever driven in my car.   I could feel myself stretching outside my car comfort zone. Stretching doesn’t always feel good in the moment, it seems to feel better when it’s over.

Julie and I hammered out all the basics; yes, I can plug in when I get to her house; yes, she is willing to hang out with me for 4 hours, before she’ll show me the door; and, yes, I need to bring some wine because 4 hours is a stretch.

At the end of our negotiations, she tells me, that her house is only about 29 miles from the Ferry… All of the sudden it hits me that I am making limits where there really aren’t any.

I might not even need to charge my car… I will however still bring wine.

Aha! Isn’t this is what we do sometimes? We create stories in our heads that limit us. We grapple, we toss and turn, we worry, and then we work hard to find ways to stay safe or avoid. All the while, the truth is, we are just fine and we don’t need to be creating these limiting stories for ourselves. Lucky for me, this insight was motivating. I may be going “farther” than my experience has taken me in my car, but it’s an adventure. When I’m done and safely home, I think I’m going to feel great and ready to stretch a little further.

My four take always:

1. We unconsciously choose situations that will push of out of our comfort zone. These situations offer us opportunities to get creative in problem solving, or help us learn to breathe through the discomfort.
2. When we’re uncomfortable we tend to default to our most conservative self, telling ourselves the limiting stories in an attempt to stay safe.
3. Once we shift our perspective, the whole situation can become an adventure.
4. My car is actually perfect for me because it’s pushing me to stretch.

 Thank you Nissan Leaf, you’ve helped me grow!