Looking at our emotions can provide a roadmap

A further sign of health is that we don’t become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it’s time to stop struggling and look directly at what’s threatening us.  Pena Chodron.

Using emotions, especially powerful emotions like fear, shame, anger, as road signs, can help us look inside and understand ourselves better.  Think about road signs, which one is the bad one?

Road signs just tell you something, like slow down, cross walk, no right on red, photo enforced light ahead, etc.

Emotions can be used in a similar way.  When we feel a powerful emotion, it can be from our internal story about what we think is happening and how our sense of ourself is in danger on some level.  Sometimes we are in danger, but often, it’s our perception of ourselves, or our concerns about how others are seeing us, or our ego wanting to be right, or our internal dialog, that is the real danger.

So, what are your emotions trying to tell you?

Being able to look at what is underneath why we are feeling what we are feeling and getting really curious about the emotion and ourselves is a way into deeper understanding.  This curiosity can lead to awareness around the story we are creating and will help us think of ways to jack/transform the story into something that makes us stronger.

Becoming Unpredictable

When we allow ourselves to become unpredictable
we open ourselves to new possibilities.  Lyssa

This quote comes from the idea that if we continue to do things the same way we always have we will continue to get the same results.  It is the law of Inertia. And, it’s great if we are happy with where our lives are going, how our relationships are manifesting, and if we are madly embracing the joy of the journey.  But, if we aren’t so happy with how our life is moving along, and we continue to do the same things, in the same way, nothing will change, we won’t grow, we may be comfortable, but we rarely get something wildly interesting or radically new happening in our lives.

Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to any change in its state of motion including changes to its speed and direction or the state of rest. It is the tendency of objects to keep moving in a straight line at constant velocity.  Wikipedia

• What is going on in your life, that you want to have a different result in?
• What is it going to take to jump the track and steer your story onto a new path?
• What is the story that is holding you back?
• What does the story of change sound like?
• What are you going to have to be willing to let go of, to make that change happen?

In this case, being unpredictable isn’t an external process, it’s an internal process.  It’s StoryJacking, exploring the unpredictability of shaking up our concepts about what we think we are supposed to be, what others think we should be, and instead developing a vision about what we truly and authentically want to become.

 

 

You are the Sky…

“You are the sky.  Everything else – is just the weather.”  Pema Chodron

It’s easy to forget that situations come and go, that emotions come and go, and that our true nature is far more permanent.  We are the sky.

 

Choosing to stretch past your comfort zone

He was not bone and feather but a perfect idea of freedom and flight, limited by nothing at all.  Richard Back

You are only limited by your unwillingness to stretch past your comfort zone.  Lyssa M. Danehy deHart

Ira Glass on the Creative Process

It’s so easy to feel inadequate and quit, especially when you’re starting something new.  In this video Ira Glass reminds us that one of the most important parts of the creative journey, is to push through our fears and develop and create and never quit.  Each of us is in a creative process, because life is a creative process.  Our personal creative output could be anything we want to excel at doing, it could be art, or writing, or starting a business, or developing a new career.

Dreams require us to recognize the creative process, embrace it, develop it, and work hard daily to manifest our creative vision.

So, don’t give up if it doesn’t look exactly like you think it should, at the get go, in fact do more, practice more, and grow your body of work.

Become Love

You cannot give what you do not have.
You cannot be what you are unwilling to become.
You have to become Love to give love.

Lyssa

How you show up

 

When things get painful, stressful, and overwhelming,
how you show up and respond tells a lot about who you really are.

Lyssa Danehy deHart

StoryJacking Difficult Conversations – True Kind Necessary

True, Kind, Necessary: How to have difficult conversations and develop better relationships

Imagine a stool, three legs that hold up the seat. Without one of the legs, the stool becomes unstable.

When thinking about True, Kind Necessary in respect to conversations, it’s important to remember to use these ideas together in order to have the best outcome. In happy and agreeing conversations we don’t even have to think about these qualities, because we are having fun and we are not threatening someone else’s view point or sense of themselves. Intent and Impact are very important, especially in difficult conversations or situations. Often times we bring our judgment, ego and opinions into the arena and while we may have a positive intent, we can end up having a negative impact.

True – Obviously we want to be honest in our handling of information and give honest reflection to people. It also helps to truthfully communicate our own feeling and experience, without telling others how they feel, what there intent was, or judging their behavior as the issue. Ask yourself some questions: What is the story I am telling myself about this situation? Am I making any assumptions? Do I have enough information or are there other questions I need to get info on? Am I exaggerating or escalating the truth?

We can rapidly set people up to feel attacked and when that happens, they either tunes us out or we engage them in an argument.  Also, if I am telling you a truth, from my perspective, and I am unkind in my delivery, or it’s really not my place to share my truth, I run a very real risk of landing poorly on you and feeding a fight.  I may be generating a drama story that won’t do me or anyone any good.

Kind – This is the level of how we approach a conversation with compassion and gentleness. We might be sharing our truth without thought to other people’s feelings. In conversations that we have with others we can inadvertently hurt peoples feelings, Intent/Impact. This is especially true in the texting, typing, IM’ing medium. People can’t read our non-verbal body language, we may not even know each other, and so we end responding to things based on how we feel the message is coming at us. If it’s a difficult situation, people may already be defensive. Kindness is about intention. We can decide if our intention is to be helpful or hurtful. If it’s to be helpful and our message still lands poorly, apologizing for the unintended outcome is kindness too.

Necessary – It may take a few questions to yourself to figure out this one:  Why are we vested in sharing our perspective? What’s our goal for the conversation?  Have we been asked for feedback? Or, are we trying to ‘teach’ someone something we think we need to know? Is what we’re about to say, for the greater good of the person we are speaking/writing to?  I also like to ask myself, “Is what I am about to say, think or do, going to take me closer to my goal or farther away?”

There are definitely times that we do need to speak up, maybe we see a way to help someone be more efficient or correct something. Or, we may be setting a healthy boundary on how others speak to us, or what we are willing or not willing to do for someone. The more necessary the conversation is, typically the more painful it runs the risk of being. Which is why adding the elements of True and Kind can help the conversation go better for all parties.

In communication there is another area to consider. Let’s call this the fourth leg of the stool, increasing stability.

Timing – Are you calling someone out in public or private? Are you giving them time to respond or pushing for an instant response? Can you have a face-to-face conversation, even if we are talking Skype versus an email argument or texting war?

Think about our own timing; are we hungry, tired, overwhelmed, or not feeling well? All these factors will effect how we bring ourselves to any difficult conversation.

Giving ourselves time to cool down before responding is helpful too. If I get fired up about something, my brain floods with Adrenaline and Cortisol and increases my reactivity, while decreasing my ability to think through a situation.  Have you ever had an intense conversation and then later think of all the things you wished you had said instead? If I give myself an hour or a day before responding, I have time to engage my thinking brain again and I may come up with a much better response.

We can all get HiJacked by our brain.

Even using these tools will not guarantee a 100% positive outcome in every situation. But, your odds of a better conversation are greatly increased.